Ten Tips For Surviving A Zombie Outbreak
1) Contact your Deadzone service agent or other zombie insurance representative before you lose power. Don’t forget to have your sector, policy number, and Natural Right Security code ready so we can better take care of your zombie service needs.
2) Once you have contacted Deadzone, find a weapon. Though firearms are preferable for those necessary headshots, ammunition will become an issue after the gun is emptied. Pick up a blunt force object such as a baseball bat or tire iron.
3) If possible, put on long sleeves and pants with shoes you are able to run in. This can prevent bites from breaking skin and damning you to a zombified existence. J
4) Zombies are sensitive to changes in the environment. Remain as quiet as possible while moving to a safer location. Avoid crowded areas, dark areas, or religious places as these are the most likely place a zombie will try to eat you.
5) Do not rush headlong into an open space. Assess your environment to determine whether or not the area is clear of all undead before proceeding. The difference between humans and zombies is simple. In theory, humans have higher intelligence and should be able to outsmart the undead.
6) It is not recommended that customers travel in packs. However, if you happen to be in a group in which there is a human being who possesses less than zombie intelligence, shoot them humanely. They will slow you down, make too much noise, and generally make rash decisions which may lead to infection. It’s better this way.
7) To determine a safe location it is recommended that said location has two exits, easy viewing, and few windows. If there are windows, barricade them with whatever heavy or dense objects are present.
8) Do NOT exchange bodily fluids with another human being during the outbreak. This includes but is not limited to: spitting, sneezing, kissing, oral sex, anal sex, and vaginal intercourse. Exposure to fluids could increase the chance of infection. Save your exchanges for after you are cleared by a Deadzone field physician. Protect yourself and your partner. It will be satisfying in the end.
9) Sleeping during a zombie outbreak is a necessary evil. However, once your area is secure, limit your sleep time to no more than three hours at a time.
10) Once help arrives, Rejoice! Your Deadzone field team is happy to supply you with the things you may have been lacking during the outbreak, i.e. food, water, and necessary medical supplies.
Brought to you by Deadzone Zombie Services
Serving the needs of the apocalypse community for 25 years